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Posts tagged ‘aging’

Nasty Lasty

Good morning everyone, Friday again and freezing in good old Durban. Today is the last day at my current job and after that I am officially unemployed. So glad the weekend is here because I haven’t had a party in ages.

Well enough chit chat for now, here’s your weekly dose of funny:

 

 

 

  A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

  One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what?  ‘You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.

  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what Martha?’

 

  ‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

  ‘I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck…

 

 


Grade my taste.

Okay so I’m still old school but life has taught me a lot and one of those things is that it’s fine for women to say damn what a fine piece of ass.

These are the 10 men that I like and each for a different reason. Some for a smile and others for the look, one or two just ooze sex appeal. There are 10 men below; out of 10 you rate my taste:  one point for each guy you agree with!

Who’s your favorite all time sexbomb?

Pierce - the all time gentleman

Pierce - the all time gentleman

Jack - for being the perfect evil guy (a strange sex appeal)

Hugh – Aaaah man – I don’t know but here he is.

Hugh - droopy eyes and crooked smile

Bruce - Need I explain? age makes improvements

Ali

Ali - Mmmm too cute on stage

Robert - Again I'm not too sure why

Richard - Just look at him

Jensen - Just purely to look at - - (and maybe touch)

Vin - shoulders with a soft side..

Nasty Lasty…

And as usual on a Friday here’s your weekly dose of giggles:

 

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

 

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die..

 

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich …

 

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

 

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky …..

not really good for anything, but you

still can’t help but smile when

you shove them down the stairs.

 

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

 

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

 

Number 2

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;

what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

– – – and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last long.”

Have a great weekend everyone – and remember – spread the joy!!!

 

When was the last time you cried & why?

Oh yes, this is a very easy one to answer- I remember because it happened two months ago and I cried for days. I still feel the loss and will again come summer.

Until then my daughter, her young family and myself all lived in a flat together, we all decided to move our own separate ways. Come moving day we had 3 different moving vans there moving us to 3 different locations. And amongst all the confusion my daughter was left to pack the last few boxes.

I drove off with the van to my new house while me daughter was packing up my wardrobe, upon returning I ordered that all the boxes in my room get loaded and that while I was delivering them to the new house the garbage was to be carried out to the pavement.

Garbage bags

The move went pretty well considering the confusion of a three directional move.

Sunday morning I woke up in my new home and put on the same clothes I’d worn on Saturday and started unpacking the few boxes I had.  By the time evening came I was exhausted and had two boxes left to unpack. I had dinner and a nice hot shower and crawled into bed.

Monday morning bright and early I woke up and opened the boxes looking for something to wear to work. Mmm – kitchen appliances and curtains. Where are my clothes??

I call my daughter and ask her whether she had found my boxes of clothes only to be told that, no she hadn’t and that my clothes had been packed into black bags and left in the passage at the old flat.

These are the same black bags that we had ordered to be put on the pavement on Saturday afternoon. My entire wardrobe – underwear, shoes, everything, summer and winter… all gone!!!

I wept. In fact I sobbed for days.

The good thing is that now I have a wardrobe of only things I like and wear, only things that fit, and only things that are not outdated. The bad thing is that seasons change and when summer comes I have nothing to wear.

Nasty Lasty…

This is an old joke but it always brings a smile to my dial:

(Have a great weekend everyone)

Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

 

Squash my heart…

Okay so yesterday morning at 2am I get woken up by a tearing feeling in my chest and believe me when I say I thought I was a gone-r for sure.

Every time I tried to move to reach my phone to call for help or even breathe the pain intensified, so I lay there taking tiny little breaths watching the time tick by and wondering as to how long before the pain or I was going to cease.

After about 20 minutes I managed to reach for my phone and lay there with it in my hand.

I had a million things going through my mind, firstly was that I needed to call for help, secondly was how does help get it if everything locked up and thirdly was what good does help do if I have no medical and cannot afford the treatment required for heart attacks?

So I lay their thinking plan B; I sent my kids a message saying, “good morning, I love you.”

I remember looking at the clock and thinking ‘ok it’s been over ½ hour and the pain a bit better so I took a deep breath and then tried changing positions and that was when I finally passed out.

I woke up again as normal on a Monday morning at 5.40am with my alarm yelling the rise and shines. Two things came to mind instantly 1. Shut up alarm 2. I made it.

I slowly reached out to silence the alarm and found not a blinding pain but rather a bruised feeling on the chest area, as though I’d been kicked by a horse. I got up and ever so slowly went about my daily routine.

Off to work I go and eventually decide to go to a states hospital for a check-up.

After extensive tests they have informed me that luckily there is no damage done to the heart but that I have an inflammation in the chest cavity which has swollen and is causing pressure on the heart. Not too serious but if pain not gone by today then report back. Well I am feeling a damn side better today and have a whole new outlook on life.

My heart kicked my ass and made me realize that there is a lot of things that I should have had in order. I have been given a warning in the most painful way I can imagine and I have taken care to listen, I got medical aid, I got a hospital plan, I am taking the meds and I am letting all my family and friends know why they mean the world to me.

Me? Old?

I got an e-mail the other day that had me in stitches – we are all guilty of not noticing that we are all aging.

Here it is excuse the caps please.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL…..YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

‘YES, YES I DID. I’M A MORGANNER! ‘HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

‘WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?’ I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’ I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN….THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED…….

“WHAT DID YOU TEACH?”

have a great weekend people!!
Next post Monday!

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