whatever comes to mind…

Posts tagged ‘pests’

If you could change into any animal at will, which one would you choose?

There are so many animals that come to mind on as a good answer to this question, I mean who couldn’t see themselves as a tiger or a cheetah, or a black panther? (After asking nearly everyone I saw that was the most popular answer)

My first choice was the tiger too. Then I stopped and thought about it a little more, I thought about my lifestyle and how being a tiger would effect it. Firstly a tiger is a beautiful animal and seems to take everything in it’s stride but has the clout it needs, but realistically what would happen if a tiger walked into a club, or shopping mall or into Mc Donald’s?

I went through a long list of animals and realized that in everyday life most animals would either be locked up in a zoo, a back garden, a cage or simply killed. Then I started thinking about which animal is least likely to be bugged by humans. Which animal would be left alone and not really bothered about or killed and I finally decided that probably a bat would be the best choice.

Picture the scenarios – walking down the street at night and someone following you – you change into a bat and who is going to notice you? Your stalker! And I bet he doesn’t still follow you.

In a mall you get all your goodies and walk to the check out, there is a queue a mile long. Poof you turn into a bat – everyone freaks out and runs, except maybe the staff, who grab mops and brooms and try swatting you out the air. Once the queues are clear you fly around the corner – poof you’re human and first in line.

After a night on the town you cannot get any sleep because everyone “needs” something, climb into the back corner of your cupboard and go to sleep – no-one would look for you in your cupboard and if they did they wouldn’t be looking up at the rail for you would they?

So the next time you see a bat swooping around just say hi – I could be me trying to get away from a stalker or jumping a queue. 

Nasty Lasty…

Pumba from the Lion King was standing by the side of the road, crying his eyes out as his friend Timone had just been run over …..


The cops arrive and take one look at the bloody mess and ask “What the f*ck happened here ??”

Tearfully Pumba looked up and said ……………..”a coon in a Tata

Keep Calm…..It’s maddening!!!(Part 2)

Okay so after learning to stay calm while people are ranting and raving, I decided to not instantly retaliate to people making snide remarks to me or about me, so now I simply bite my tongue.

Scenario:

I hadn’t been out for about 4 months and in that time was very fortunate to for some unknown reason to have lost about 16kg’s. I walk into the club and all my club buddies immediately run over to say hi and chat. This is probably a good time to explain that I am a real party animal and love my rave clubs. A real wild gran I am. So anyhow everyone there is happy to see that I am back and looking better than ever and then….

WHAM in the midst of all the happy greeting and compliments a little pint size blob decides to make a snide remark about me in front of everyone. WOW the looks that flew through the group were everything from disbelief to horror.

My emotions:

Die bitch!!!

Amusing part:

Well contrary to everyone’s expectations, I chose to pretend I hadn’t heard her and simply gave her a big hug and a hello, with my tongue firmly between my teeth and the sweetest smile on my face which definitely said exactly what I was feeling.

This poor little girl, she knew she had stepped on the wrong toes because everyone simply closed the circle and cut her out. I have been treating her as usual every time I have seen her since then but I can see by the way she is behaving herself that she cleary knows that it is not over yet.

A month down the line and she is still on her best behavior around everyone. She has no idea when I will have my sweet revenge and, being as young as she is, doesn’t yet realize that in fact this is the best revenge ever.

I probably won’t say a thing to her at all, at least not about this incident, I am strong enough to handle the insults and criticism (I have put this down to maybe jealousy) but I dare her with every ounce of my being to try insulting someone younger and more vulnerable than I am in front of me.

Keep calm… It’s maddening!!! (part 1)

I have in the past been called tactless and have tried over the past few years to bite my tongue and keep my cool. It hasn’t been easy and I have endured a bleeding tongue at times but here are two incidents that come to mind that have made it worthwhile to me.

Scenario:

I am driving along with my children in the car and suddenly this car comes off the slipway and nearly rams into the back of me. The driver in a panic hoots.

My emotions:

Absolute anger – until I see the look of total apology on the driver’s face.

Amusing part:

As we pulled up at the traffic lights the passenger in the other vehicle decided to start ranting and raving at me. I turn my head and find an elderish Indian lady glaring at me and cursing, a highly apologetic old man cringing and waving a frantic apology and two children trying in vain to hide behind the seats in embarrassment.

Amongst the insults that flew my way were incompetence as a driver, being mindless and uncaring to the safety of others and racism (the South African favorite) Every 3rd word was Fucken and the ones in between were God and culture.

From the back seat of my car I can hear my kids saying “oh oh, now mom’s mad”, so I take a big calming breath.

I sat quietly and intently listening to her raging away and when she had finished I ever so calmly and sweetly asked her please to wipe the little red spot off her forehead as her found her behavior insulting to all my Indian friends and I’m sure that Allah would not approve, I also then offered to wait on the side of the road for her apology while they drove around the block to check the road signs proving that my knowledge of “road safety” was in fact superior to hers.

Upon this her husband first gasped then snorted as he tried to hold in a giggle – this earned him her attention and as I drove off -my whole body shaking in anger but a sickly sweet smile on my face- he simply smiled and waved a farewell.

Five mintues later my daughter plucked up the courage to speak and simply said, “That was way cool mom”

That was when I realized that NOTHING angers a person more than when you remain calm during an argument. It felt great!!

Pesky pests!!!

How the hell can a thing as tiny as a fruit fly annoy me so much??

Little bastards!!

I’ve been sitting at work all morning clapping in the air around my head like a happy little retard, trying to chase off the fruit flies that have invaded my office.

The one with 11 legs and nine lives chose to fly past my nose as I inhaled and that started my nose running and my eyes watering. It was just at that moment that the brave little short sighted fuc*er decided to look deep into my eye and got stuck to my eyeball.

So now I have a tickling terrorist up my nasal cavity that is seriously doing a victory dance and the short sighted fuc*er in my eye who has decided to start doing backstroke in my tears.

Now I am rubbing my nose and trying desperately to fish the olympian swimmer from my eye and guess what??

This is when two more camacazi pilots decide to annoy me— so in the confusion of rubbing my nose, picking my eye ball, holding my breath and clapping and slapping the air around my head I finally end up branding myself with a lovely red mark on my forehead. Now not only do I have the fruit flies to contend with but I seem to have a few little black spots floating around between them.

I have learnt quite a bit today – Power definately comes in numbers and size does not count! But more than that I have learnt that I most undoubtedly hate fruit flies!!!

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